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C.U.N.T.S. — Citizens United for National Tradition & Sovereignty

THEY TOOK
YOUR COUNTRY.WE'LL SELL IT BACK TO YOU.

The world's first globally standardised nationalist movement.

Now operating in 47 countries and 12 tax havens.

14.7MAngry Patriots
47Nations Betrayed
$24MMerchandise Sold
Enemies Identified

ABOUT C.U.N.T.S.

C.U.N.T.S. helps citizens everywhere discover the same fear in different flags.

Whether your enemy is immigrants, Brussels, baristas, academics, vegans, cyclists, or young people with opinions — our patented outrage platform provides everything you need to feel under attack.

We do not manufacture fear. We simply package, brand, and distribute the fear you were already experiencing, and point it in a direction that is convenient for our donors.

IMPORTANT NOTICE:
This is satire. C.U.N.T.S. is not a real political movement.
The enemies are fictional. The threats are fabricated. The merch is real.
The billionaires are based on no one in particular and everyone in general.

If you arrived here sincerely: welcome. Have a look around. The joke is about the machine, not the people it catches.
47
Nations Currently Betrayed
Up from 12 in 2019. Growing weekly.
12
Tax Havens We Operate From
For administrative purposes only.
1
Fear. Globally Standardised.
Available in all nationalities for the same price.
Enemies Available
Wheel spins continuously. Results may vary.

FIND YOUR ENEMY™

Our proprietary algorithm identifies the correct target for your frustration in under 90 seconds. Clinically calibrated. Emotionally guaranteed.

Are you currently struggling financially?

// Spin to Identify Your Enemy //

SPIN
TO
BLAME™
Immigrants
The Media
Academics
Vegans
Brussels
Cyclists
Baristas
The Weather
● LIVE Last updated: moments ago

CURRENT THREAT STATUS

Real-time monitoring of civilisational integrity. Authorised personnel only. (And you.)

💪
Masculinity Crisis Level
CRITICAL
94% — DEFCON 1
🏳️‍🌈
Woke Infiltration Index
SEVERE
88% — DEFCON 1
🚨
Pronoun Emergency Alert
ELEVATED
76% — DEFCON 2
🫙
Hummus Availability Threat
CRITICAL
91% — TOO MUCH HUMMUS
🍖
Traditional BBQ Integrity
GUARDED
55% — Holding. Barely.
🚲
Bike Lane Encroachment
CRITICAL
97% — IT'S EVERYWHERE
🥛
Oat Milk Saturation
ELEVATED
73% — Lattes affected
🎓
University Influence Risk
GUARDED
61% — Students learning
⚠️ADVISORY: Threat levels are calculated using proprietary algorithms. Methodology available for purchase ($299 PDF). Do not adjust your threat level without consulting a C.U.N.T.S. Certified Analyst.

THE GLOBALIST MAP

Decades of painstaking research. A network so vast it connects oat milk to the Bilderberg Group. (You'll see it if you look long enough.)

MYSTERIOUS BILLIONAIRE
BRUSSELS HQ
G. SOROS-TYPE FIGURE
LEGACY MEDIA CORP
UNIVERSITIES
OAT MILK FACTORY
BIKE LANES INTL
VEGAN AGENDA HQ
GENDER STUDIES DEPT
YOUR LOCAL CAFÉ
DAVOS (obviously)
Confirmed Threat Node
Financial Nexus
Lines = Proven Connections™
(proof available upon $199 donation)
⚠ PATTERN DETECTED — ZOOM IN

REAL MAN CERTIFICATION™

Industry-leading credentials for the modern patriot. Curriculum designed by men who read three blog posts and felt very confident.

// MODULE 101
BBQ Nationalism
🕐 4h 20m🔥 Mandatory📜 Certificate
COMPLETED ✓
// MODULE 102
Intro to Historical Nostalgia
🕐 8h 00m📚 Theory😤 Core Unit
78% — Currently blaming modernity
// MODULE 203
Advanced Facebook Comment Combat
🕐 200h+⚔️ Advanced😡 High Impact
92% — Awaiting final exam (a comment)
// MODULE 204
Tactical Podcast Listening
🕐 Ongoing🎧 Passive🚗 Car Only
45% — Commute-dependent
// MODULE 305
Saying "Do Your Own Research" Research
🕐 2h 00m🔍 Elective🤔 No Research
20% — Irony undetected
// MODULE 401
Capstone: Defending Billionaires Online (unpaid)
🕐 Lifetime💼 Advanced💸 Free Labour
ENROLLED BY DEFAULT ✓
🛡️
Alpha Patriot
📤
500 Misinfo Posts
⚔️
Common Sense Warrior
🔥
Comment Section Dom.
📻
2,000 Podcast Hours
🥩
Certified Carnivore
💊
Supplement Evangelist
🤝
Billionaire Defender

THE PODCAST

Hard truths. Soft evidence. Zero guests who disagree with us.

🎙️
THEY DON'T
WANT YOU
TO HEAR THIS
A C.U.N.T.S. Production
THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS

Every week, your hosts Brad and an unnamed co-host sit in a garage and explain the world. Topics include: things that used to be better, people who are ruining things, supplements, and occasionally a guest who agrees with everything we say. Rated: Extremely Confident.

EP 47
The Great Replacement of My Favourite Coffee Shop With a Different Coffee Shop
1hr 42min3 days ago208k downloads
EP 46
Interview: Man Who Has Never Left His Town Explains the World
2hr 11min10 days ago341k downloads
EP 45
Why Everything Was Better Before (feat. Selective Memory)
1hr 58min17 days ago289k downloads
EP 44
Testosterone Supplements Q&A (Sponsored by Freedom Supplements™)
54min24 days ago🔒 Platinum Patriots Only
EP 43
Empathy: Where Does It End? (Answer: Here)
1hr 20min31 days ago412k downloads
📡 Subscribe via RSS
🔴 BREAKING: Local woman uses reusable bag | 🔴 EXCLUSIVE: Gender studies department still exists | 🔴 ALERT: Café introduces third milk option | 🔴 SCANDAL: Man apologises, nation recoils | 🔴 DEVELOPING: Someone, somewhere, feels included | 🔴 CRISIS: Children taught to recycle | 🔴 BREAKING: Local woman uses reusable bag | 🔴 EXCLUSIVE: Gender studies department still exists | 🔴 ALERT: Café introduces third milk option | 🔴 SCANDAL: Man apologises, nation recoils | 🔴 DEVELOPING: Someone, somewhere, feels included | 🔴 CRISIS: Children taught to recycle |

THE REAL NEWS

Journalism without fear. Or fact-checking. Or editors. Or accountability.

😢
EMPATHY CRISIS
Experts Concerned Empathy Has Gone Dangerously Far
2h ago18.4k shares
🌍
FOREIGN AFFAIRS
Foreigners Continue to Exist, Our Correspondent Reports
4h ago92.1k shares
🚿
OPINION
My Daughter Showered with Organic Shampoo — I Blame Davos
Opinion6h ago
📊
STATISTICS
Statistic Taken Completely Out of Context Confirms Everything
8h ago205k shares
🤫
THEY HIDE THIS
The Thing They Don't Want You to Read (This Article)
AnonymousJust now

PATRIOT STORE

Premium freedom-adjacent lifestyle products. Each purchase funds the movement. (Handling fee: 60%. Movement fee: 15%. Profit: yes.)

Made in Shenzhen
"Traditional Values" Tactical Mug
Holds coffee. Implies you know something. BPA-free patriotism.
$34$12
ANGRY
Made in Bangladesh
"Take Back Our Culture" Hat
Six-panel structure. Statement brim. Culture not included.
$49$8
💊
Manufactured in China
Freedom Supplements™ (Testosterone Gummies)
Berry flavoured. Unregulated. Vigorously defended on podcasts.
$89$4
🎒
Assembled in Vietnam
Anti-Woke Survival Kit
Includes: bumper sticker, pamphlet, mirror, question mark.
$119$18
C.U.N.T.S.
Imported from Taiwan
Sovereignty Vest (Tactical)
Many pockets. No clear enemy. Airsoft-compatible.
$199$22
📖
Printed in Mexico
"Common Sense" Manifesto Vol. 4
288 pages. No citations. Bestseller (on our website).
$44$3

START YOUR CHAPTER

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